Jan 30

9 min read

2022 — the Year of the Crosshair

Or so it was named

It’s a week into the new year. It’s strange when you read back on your review of the previous year (talking 2021 now), about the things you faced. Your wish is to reflect and be like — woah that was a tough year, this year was so much better. Not this time.

This year contained horrendous moments. I learnt the true meaning of harrowing. Each time things seemed like they were on the up, there was another down.

But we continue. I continue. I don’t just continue either, I try to be better in everything I do. Speak kinder, do more, help others, because ultimately we don’t know what’s round the corner, and I don’t want to be a bitter person — I think it could be quite tiring.

So with that very gloomy introduction, please note this following post contains sensitive themes including suicide. So please don’t read further unless in the right frame of mind, with the right support.

A bright start

The New Year started with aplomb, I was halfway through my short term contract with Digital Nomad Association (DNA) Croatia, meeting nomads from all over the world, organising social events, connecting the champions from city to city. I got to travel around Croatia, see new places, meet some amazing individuals.

It also took me to The Hague and a conference, where I saw how well the grassroots movement in Croatia had done in promoting a longer term, and ideally more sustainable type of tourism in Croatia. All those years supporting coworking spaces, remote workers and events had laid the foundation for everything happening now.

I had a supportive team around me, I had free reins and started working with the key players in the country in the public sector to push things there, as well as working with corporates to see how they could also support the movement.

Croatian home

Meanwhile, after two failed attempts to buy last year, a wonder woman named Ljiljana somehow sourced an apartment for me. Having taught her grandson for a few years, she’s always had my back in local Kaštela matters.

A two bed, with a garden, parking space and ground floor which meant great accessibility. When I saw it and heard the price, I told the agent to call the seller and confirm I wanted it. It was almost fully furnished and decorated meaning little touching up needed.

With a bit of fun, organising to meet each other due to us being in the country at different times, the owner and I finally got to exchange contracts, money and keys.

Another wonder woman, my lawyer Marina, made things move and make the apartment semi officially mine. I say semi officially because it wasn’t until September until I had my name on the papers, and the electricity company still haven’t updated their files either.

I moved in, and breathed. It’s the first time I’ve had a place like this, a place that feels longer term, a place with a plan, a place where everything I do, I will benefit from. I can think up a dream now, rather than trying to help other with theirs.

The light dims a little

So May was here.

The contract with DNA Croatia was ending and I was onto the next work adventure, something else I thought would be permanent. A coming together of two similar companies, that would strengthen and expand their reach, with a friend I had known for years and also discussed business every time we met (both the good and the absurd).

However not all things are meant to be, and after a couple of months we saw that our values were not the same, our direction not the same, and our way of working far apart. Something wasn’t right and so I felt it was better to change sooner rather than later. I had seen similar partnerships burn other people further down the line in a lot worse ways telling themselves things would improve and I didn’t want to take that chance.

The deal was off, and after three months I was back to my own company.

The crosshair that was meant to focus me, couldn’t quite find the target.

Another spanner

My youth club also went on its first international exchange, taking 12 teenagers to Ireland to meet their Irish, Finnish and British counterparts.

Due to the war in Ukraine, at one point we weren’t sure if it would happen at all, or move somewhere else or to a different date. I had already bought the flights, and based on the budget offered could only move the dates, but not the location. I kept reminding myself it was only money, there were worse things happening in the world, but still had sleepless nights about what would happen.

It finally did go ahead, and the week was an eye opener for the Croatian group. They learnt about culture and linguistic differences, they learnt about empathy, bias and got told many times not to stereotype. In hindsight they enjoyed the trip, but at times they were confused, angry and frustrated. It wasn’t the easiest for the group leaders, but based on all the chopping and changing out of our control, I think we were relieved it went ahead at all.

Bouncebackability

After that week of exchange madness and three months elsewhere, I took some of August to rest and recoup. I decided to travel a bit and to see some friends and spend time at the beach. August is never the best month for business development, but I felt bad as I had not done anything for almost a year because of the contract and then proposed merge.

I spent a week exploring Albania, travelling for the first time in years as a backpacker. I got that adventure of not knowing who you’ll meet and what you’ll end up doing. I hung out with very relaxed people who wanted to explore the local cultural, historical and gastronomical offerings.

Despite a few warnings and raised eyebrows in Croatia, Albania was a complete breeze and thoroughly enjoyable, taking me down to Sarande where I would then travel to Corfu to meet my friend and his family. That itself was a week of family holiday fun. A morning trip somewhere, a lunch out, an afternoon building weird sand sculptures and relaxing. We finished each night with the kids tucked up in bed, cards, beers and a mezze. Dream.

Revitalised

I was back in the flow and knew I had to find my Kaštelan dream life I wanted to set up, working locally when possible, remotely too, and cycling to social events.

A few contracts were thrown my way at the right time in September, giving me a foundation that I could build on and that helped relax that pressing issue of business income.

One contract in Kaštela now builds on Cook Croatia from before and continues until the end of summer, another in Dalmatia which builds on the student cooperative work I’d done before.

I could relax a little and enjoy September. Coffee with friends, swims in the afternoon, plans for the future. The youth club started again and autumn was looking up. A time of change and a shift in gears at work when the cooler darker days came. I even had a trip to Porto, a place I had wanted to go for ages.

*** content alert — as mentioned earlier I will now talk about some sensitive subjects including suicide ***

No words can describe

However it was there in Porto, at a conference when I received that call. A call I will never forget.

In fact that was the start of many calls I’ll never forget.

The first from his mum when she told me had sent a text and had gone missing. Then the next was the harrowing one, where she told me he had taken his own life.

“He’s gone. What do I do now?” I had no answer.

He was a member of my youth club. He was with me in Ireland. He was the son of my friends, he was the friend of my friends’ children, he was my former student, and my friend’s former student.

I can’t really write much more about this here. There’s too much to write. Processing these things is a long process. I had intended to write a lot of it whilst in Nepal but it didn’t come out. It hit me hard, it still hits me hard, I’m writing this whilst crying obviously.

I was a 15 year old boy before, I had many insecurities, I didn’t know where I fit in. I had thought about suicide, but at the time I put it down to that emo way. I will never get my head round it, there are no answers to our questions.

I spent three further nights in Porto, no-one there aware what happened. I was having conversations with people where words came out of my mouth while my brain was trying to process things. I can’t remember what I was saying.

I didn’t want to see my friends — his parents, when I got back, then it would be real. I’m glad my friend came with me to do that.

I told my Dad what happened, he was coming with my Mum for a week. But they had to know before coming. I am his son. I didn’t tell my friend who came after them, he has a son too.

I didn’t tell many people, I had had enough of telling people so they didn’t find out some other way.

There were meetings about what happened with our other members too, being honest and real. With their parents too. Who then opened up about other things.

October was a blur. It ended with his funeral, where half of the attendees were in their teens, remembering their teen friend. It shouldn’t be this way, I sobbed most of that day.

UK Samaritans are open 24/7 for anyone who needs to talk — 116 123

US Samaritans are open 24/7 for anyone who needs to talk — 988

HR Linija pomoći Plavi telefon 9h–20h — 014 833 888

Nepal

November meant Nepal. It was prebooked, it wasn’t an escape, but it came at that time. Neither good nor bad. It gave me a month to breath, to avoid calls, although I was scared every time I got WiFi.

I am still weary of phone calls and messages.

The experience was heightened with everything that was going on. I was there for me at first, but then I vowed to myself to be there for all those others I knew that died young.

High on those peaks and passes I looked out and remembered each and every one of them. I breathed. I wanted to recharge and shine brighter, but it’s hard when you count the days and then weeks from someone’s death.

I wrote more about the hiking experience as a stand alone in this other blog.

Return

I came back home and I was looking forward to it. The first week was tough, the dreams that kept me up before I left were back. I could never save him.

I saw his parents again, we had cake and smiled a bit, and talked about what needed to be discussed too.

I had my third funeral of the year. Five of the people there, I had last seen at the last funeral. We agreed we need to stop meeting at funerals.

There was another random death. I didn’t know her but just a few days before I had emailed her to organise to present in her English class.

There was some other delayed bad news, but at least someone hadn’t died. I cried after that too though, because I love that person a lot.

The last day of the year we left for another Youth Exchange to Finland. He was meant to be there too. A few of us were sad when things reminded us of him. But actually it was what I needed.

Because among all of this bad and sad news there is life and hope and energy.

My friends’ beautiful daughter that always makes silly giggly faces and cheers me up a treat. My Nan coming back to Croatia in Easter in her 90s. The many other faces I see, and smile at.

Music will be back, both silly and serious songs.

Business is a couple of months behind, the contracts are moving forward nicely and still are. I have shifted more focus on DonatQR, on the youth club and need a bit more income then I can settle this year.

My home is moving forward, the garden is next on the agenda, digging and planting commences this month.

Both those who knew the full extent of this year have been there for me as much as they can, and those that didn’t know have given me the normality needed in these moments. So thank you all.

Tolkien wrote:

“How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand… there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep.”

2023 is here now. It’s the year of recovery. My physical and mental health took a hit, I need to build it up slowly. I need some time to become lucid again. The trauma that came, had a reason. All previous trauma had been piling up and my tolerance was pretty high, then the bucket burst its sides. It’s time to empty some of that old trauma and find new ways of helping it flow through.